Lifestyle

Don’t Let Yourself be a Booty Call

Have some self-respect

Far too many women accept being a booty call by convincing themselves that the guy really cares and will eventually consider them a girlfriend.

Face it. If a guy only texts you to come over at 10 p.m. to watch Netflix, then you’re just a booty call. If he doesn’t take you out on dates, or introduce you to his friends and family, then you’re just a booty call. If he doesn’t buy you worthwhile gifts for your birthday or Christmas, then you’re just a booty call.

If all you want is casual sex and no serious ties, then being a booty call is fine. But if you want more, then accepting less will only lead to heartache.

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Don’t Let Yourself be a Booty Call

Questions to ask yourself before sex

First, figure out what you want. Psychotherapist Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., advised that before you have sex for the first time, ask yourself the following questions:

  1.       Do I want to be intimate, or am I just trying to please him?
  2.       If it turns into a one-night-stand, will I be devastated?
  3.       Am I taking care of myself regarding pregnancy and venereal disease?
  4.       Is there a real chance for a relationship here, and do I care about that?
  5.       How will I feel about myself afterward, especially if he doesn’t follow through on the relationship?
     

“When you decide to become intimate is an important choice, because it sets the tone of your relationship.  Becoming intimate right away tends to eliminate the possibility of getting to know each other -- you're then focused on sex; a man may assume you're just one-night-stand material; and lust overtakes your interest in getting to know each other in any other way. Waiting awhile, at least several dates, before becoming intimate gives you a chance to form some of the infrastructure of a relationship: how to talk intimately with each other, a chance to learn your difference in styles, and how that will work together, an interest in each other that is more than just physical and immediate.  Also, if you fall in love easily, you are asking to get your heart broken by having sex before you determine if your partner is truly a quality person and interested in a relationship,” Tessina said.

If you have been dating for a while, and have had a chance to bond a little, if the interest feels mutual and not one-sided, if you survived a disagreement and worked it out, if you feel mutual respect and caring, then you probably have enough foundation to take the risk of being sexual, she said.

But waiting is always advised. “Sexual attraction won't go away if you get to know each other. The suspense of abstaining can really up the intensity of sex when it finally does happen. And, you have the chance to bond, to develop the infrastructure you'll need if you want a serious relationship.  If you eliminate the mystery too soon, you may also eliminate any future for this relationship,” she said.

And don’t forget, most men are very sexual creatures and focused on the hunt, and getting what they want. 

“Women have veto power, and also the power to be seductive and transmit non-verbal cues to let him know the time is right.  On the other hand, if he's not interested, there's only so much you can do -- the chemistry just may not be there,” she said.

Don’t Let Yourself be a Booty Call

A man’s perspective

But what do the men say? Jonathan Bennett, a certified counselor and dating and relationship coach, said it’s easy to tell if all a man wants is sex.

“First, look at his lifestyle. Does he seem like the type who is ready and wanting to settle down? Or does his lifestyle indicate he’s happy to be single and move from woman to woman? Social media is a good way to tell this. Look at his photos and posts. Does he spend all his time at bars? Is he with lots of different women? If he’s living the wild and free party, player lifestyle and seems happy, don’t expect to tether him down into a relationship. It could happen, but, more likely, you’ll just be another booty call,” Bennett said.

“Second, look at how he treats you. Most men treat ‘keepers’ differently than booty calls. If he talks about introducing you to his friends and family (and does it), that’s a good sign. The same is true if he takes you out among his friends and associates. If he keeps you hidden from his inner circle and it all seems to be about alone time, then he’s likely in it only for the sex,” Bennett said.

All hope isn’t lost, though, if you’re already stuck in the booty call cycle. “Most guys know, in the back of their heads, that a relationship could always happen from casual sex. If the two haven’t openly established the nature of the relationship (e.g. friends with benefits), then every guy will wonder in the back of his head if she wants more. But, he also might want more too. Such is the nature of booty call relationships,” he said.

The age of online dating

The advent of online dating has greatly increased the ease at which men – and women – can find booty calls.

It’s a sure sign that a man only wants sex if you meet someone for a friendly lunch or coffee date, and then a few hours later they send you a photo of them without their shirt on, or a suggestive text and ask you to come over to "watch a movie." Men who meet a woman and think she’s a contender for the role of girlfriend know that they have to play it cool and be respectful, and not mention anything overtly sexual until she does, or until they’re making out on the couch.

Roslyn Fleischer, author of Really?!!?!: One Woman’s Adventures of Dating in the Digital Age, said it’s a clear sign when you’re talking to someone online and they invite you over for a glass of wine instead of taking you to nice wine bar, or anywhere else for a real date.

“Another indicator is in his attempts to procure said booty call, he will ask you absolutely nothing about you and makes the preceding banter all about him. And if he does compliment you, the compliment will be something he likes about you physically. If there is more than one booty call with the same man, that's where things can get muddy. It doesn’t mean he wants a relationship with you, it just means he likes what you have to offer in the bedroom. Or it’s been a slow day in new conquests. That’s all,” she said.

“Even if there’s pillow talk after sex, it’s important not to interpret that as anything other than pillow talk. Booty calls can be fun but they are not the path to a relationship. If you’re looking for a relationship, go out on dates and get to know someone before jumping into the sack,” Fleischer advised.

Remember, you're the one in charge of determining who gets to have sex with you. If you want a casual encounter with a hipster you met at Whole Foods, then great. But don't pretend it's anything other than a hot moment. And if he texts you to come over again the next night, think it through before saying yes. Do you really want to be that girl who delivers her body as easily as someone else would deliver a pizza? 

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