Ask Drew: 5 Guy Turn-Offs to Avoid
One morning a couple weeks ago I went into my drawer to throw on whatever t-shirt I could find so I could take the dog out. As I was ruffling through my clothes, I realized that even though I’d just done laundry, my t-shirt collection was seriously lacking. I went to specifically look for a Vikings t-shirt I’d caught at a game many years ago from one of those t-shirt cannons, but came up empty handed. Then I remembered “Karen” had worn it home awhile back, arguing that she didn’t want to wear her cocktail dress in the morning or she’d look like she was doing the walk of shame. I was too tired to argue that donning a purple, extra-large shirt with a faded Vikings helmet on the front made her look like exactly that (and a lesbian to boot), so I just rolled back over and let her raid my already depleted wardrobe.
It’s little things like that that women do that drives guys nuts. Sure, the mature thing to do would be to call her again so you could a) retrieve your garments and b) begin to build a lasting, meaningful relationship with another person, but blah blah blah. Aint nobody got time for that. So in the meantime, here are a few things women inadvertently do that drive men up a wall. Take notes.
Using Our Toothbrush
This is unarguably disgusting. Although your dentist might be proud that even when you don’t have home field advantage your teeth are still a primary concern, the guy you’re with has to head down to CVS the following morning and pick up a new toothbrush. This is one of those things people shouldn’t share. Once it’s been used to clean out one person’s mouth, that’s its permanent owner. If anybody else uses mine, I kick it into the trashcan like a bird kicking its young out of the nest. It’s been forever tainted. And let’s call a spade a spade: there’s usually a reason you rush to the bathroom to brush your teeth at his place, am I right? That’s why we don’t ever want to use it again.
Short Hair Cuts
I know you think it’s cute to cut your hair short the same way men in their early 20s decide to look like a retired porn star and grow a mustache. I’ll even give you the benefit of the doubt. It very well might be cute for you, but men don’t speak that language. Only two things can possibly fall into the “cute” realm for men, and that’s babies and puppies. Foods, bath towels, colors, movies, and everything else aren’t cute to us. And that includes your Ferris Bueller haircut. Trust me, it’s very confusing for us when things progress to the bedroom.
It’s almost Pavlovian with me at this point. Once the weekend rolls around, I immediately know one of my female friends will drunkenly yell out, “Let’s go to a karaoke bar, you guys!” You’ll never hear a guy say that, and it’s because we hate karaoke. If I want to watch a bunch of chicks sing terrible pop songs I’ve never heard in a key that’s dangerous to a dog’s hearing, I’ll turn on American Idol. Karaoke bars exist for men that are desperate to get laid and want a can’t-miss activity for her that she’ll call a near-perfect night, but that will cause him PTSD.
“Do You Think She’s Attractive?”
Have you ever asked a guy that before about another girl the two of you saw out? If yes, what were you hoping for him to say? If you look up “trick question” in the dictionary, it probably wouldn’t be in there. But if it were, this phrase would be the primary example. Look, we say dumb crap enough of the time for you to deconstruct and find error in. We’d appreciate it if you didn’t set landmines for us to walk into. Unless she has a short haircut, we probably find her attractive.
You Can’t Out-Drink Us
I think I spoke too soon when I said we only find two things cute. This might be a third. It is cute when girls pull that in-your-face aggressive drinking attitude and challenge you to a drinking contest, but it never ends well. Ever. It isn’t fair because this is a lose-lose for us. If we decline, you’ll think significantly less of us. If we accept, a) we’ll win but probably end up extremely intoxicated and b) have to take care of you to make sure you don’t pull a Whitney Houston. First there’s vomiting followed by crying. At one point you’ll get separated from everybody and do that T-Rex walk where you’re taking huge steps in your heels while flailing your arms side to side to keep your balance. Then once your friends find you, we’re chastised for not keeping an eye on you.
Ah, just kidding. It’s worth it.
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Drew is a single guy living in Los Angeles. When he's not bar-hopping with a friend's golden retriever to convince women he has a soft side, he's taking them on short-lived dates. His fickle dating habits and "perspective" almost guarantee he'll die alone. All opinions are his own. Got a question for Drew? Ask away: firstname.lastname@example.org