Lifestyle

How to Stop Intimidating the Men You Meet

Non-verbal communication is often the culprit

Oftentimes, men are intimidated by a woman who is particularly beautiful or strong willed. Many women say this results in self selection – only the men who are very strong themselves will be brave enough to approach.

But what about those other guys? Do you yearn to date someone who isn’t always trying to engage you in a competitive battle of wills? Would you ever just like to relax and watch a movie without debating for an hour about the pros and cons of each film on Netflix?

If you’d like to stop intimidating men, here are tips from our relationship experts.

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How to Stop Intimidating the Men You Meet

Don’t purposely try to intimidate

It’s time to stop intimidating men if you take pride in doing this, according to Dr. Jess, Astroglide's Resident Sexologist. Dr. Jess is a sexuality counsellor with a Ph.D in sex education. She's also the author of several sex tip books, and a public speaker who gives presentations around the world, including TEDx Talks.

“You’re the problem — not them. There are plenty of women whose looks, intelligence and personality are just as good (or better than) yours and they don’t have trouble meeting men and sustaining relationships. We often to look to others as the source of our problems, when we should really look at how our own attitudes, behaviors and communication skills are problematic,” she said.

“However, if you find that only some people are intimidated by you and you make an effort to be kind, caring and down-to-earth, I don’t think you need to change. Some men (and women) will inevitably be intimidated by you and they’re not the ones you’re going to attract,” she said.

Here are Dr. Jess’ tips on how anyone can adjust behavior to be more likeable and approachable:

  • Ask others to talk about their interests and avoid talking about our own lives for prolonged periods of time. When in doubt, ask questions that will elicit answers that genuinely interest you.
  • Make a genuine attempt to learn from others as opposed to trying to gauge interest/pass judgment right away.
  • Listen actively when others are speaking. If I have trouble staying focused, I picture a ticker tape featuring their words in my head so that I’ll retain more of what they have to say.
  • Do favors without strings attached.
  • Greet people by name. Don’t tell yourself (or others) that you’re “awful with names”; this is a terrible self-fulfilling prophecy.
     
How to Stop Intimidating the Men You Meet

Non-verbal communication is often the culprit

This often happens because women are pooro at communicating, said Toni Coleman, psychotherapist and relationship coach.

“I have worked with a number of beautiful women who have difficulty connecting with men and they believe it is because men are intimidated by their looks. In my experience, this is not the real problem It is everything they don’t say and how men interpret it that is the problem. In other words, their nonverbal communication,” Coleman said.

An example of this is when a woman such as this goes out with her friends for an evening at a club, Coleman said.

“She notices men noticing her and anticipates this, however she also has anxiety that men will not approach her, talk to her, make an effort to get to know her. She might also be on the lookout for guys who are into her looks and may be looking for a hook-up. In other words, her defenses may be up,” Coleman said. “What happens when she is feeling defensive? She may signal guardedness, appear aloof, avoid eye contact, be careful not to smile too warmly or show too much interest—either for fear the guy will run or that he will move in and make his play.”

“She may be projecting on men that they are only into her looks and don’t show real interest in her. So what will her behavior be like? She may talk too much about herself, try too hard to showcase her professional achievements, etc. In other words, if a woman is defensive, feeling insecure, etc—she will communicate this through her nonverbal behavior. Therefore the key is to develop self-awareness and work on presenting her best open and true self,” Coleman said.
 

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Lifestyle / Relationships

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