Sexologist Tips on How to Spice Up Your Love Life
Get your sexy on with your partner
Falling into a foreplay rut is all too common after a couple has been together for a while. Don’t be embarrassed – this is a natural evolution of any relationship.
But that doesn’t mean that you have to settle for a mediocre sex life. It’s easy to add passion and heat back into your love life. And remember – true seduction begins in the morning, with how you treat your partner at breakfast, as you get ready for work, etc. You can’t wait until the lights go out – or are left on – at 11 p.m. to try to romance your partner.
And also keep in mind that the term "foreplay" means different things to different people. For some, this is what sex means to them - the buildup of passion and desire is such an integral part of their sex life, that it's as important as the actual act of sexual intercourse.
Read on to find out how to make things sizzle again in the boudoir (or on the kitchen counter!)
Spice it up
Dr. Fran Walfish, Beverly Hills relationship psychotherapist and co-star of Sex Box on WE tv, shares her best tips on how a couple to boost the intimacy levels in their life:
- Take a shower or bath together and fill the bathroom with candle light versus electricity. The visual stimulation, as well as having your partner wash, soap, rub, message, and titillate you is excitatory stuff.
- No one is attracted to a dependent personality. When individuals develop and nurture their own areas of interest, they meet in the middle as stronger, more attractive and appealing partners.
- Women need to get more comfortable asking for their sexual needs and wants to be fulfilled. Men are better at this than women. From generation to generation, this has been a cultural issue. Women are better now than they in the 1930’s and 40’s but you’d be amazed at how many young women are still uncomfortable asking their guy to do specifics.
To sext or not to sext
Astroglide's resident sexologist, Dr. Jess, is sexuality counsellor with a Ph.D in sex education and she works as a sex, relationship and marriage therapist as well.
Sexting is a wonderful way to explore dirty talk and sexual expression and get foreplay started early in the day. It need not include images, but this is up to you, Dr. Jess said.
“Use suggestive language and ask questions: ‘I’m thinking about you. I want you. What do you want to do later? If you were here, what would you do to me? How far are you willing to go?’” Dr. Jess suggested.
If you do opt to send photos, take close-ups. “This is a great way to keep your partner-in-sexting guessing as well as help disguise your identity. I have clients who go as far as adding fake tattoos to anonymize their photos, as you can never be too cautious,” she said.
And be sure and leave something to the imagination. If the first pic you send is a hot shot of your entire body or genitals, you leave no space for build-up and anticipation. Move gradually and make sexting about teasing, so that the grand finale is even hotter, she said.
Keep communication open
Carol Queen, Ph.D., is the staff sexologist for Good Vibrations, the women-founded sex store that was founded in San Francisco in 1977. She’s also the author of The Sex & Pleasure Book: Good Vibrations Guide to Great Sex for Everyone.
Queen said, “Any sort of foreplay (or pretty much any kind of sex) can feel like it gets into a rut when it never changes; when one or both partners were secretly not all that into it to begin with; or if circumstances have changed for the partners emotionally or physically. Example of the former: They’ve grown apart, are feeling the seven-year itch or are in a bad patch. Example of the latter: Post-partum body changes, other illnesses, the response changes that can be associated with aging.”
To avoid this, you must communicate about it, she said. “There are many ways to do this, but often it involves learning more about sex and erotic possibilities. You can get these from info books, sex educators’ YouTube videos, erotic stories, sexy movies, so many places. We get terrible sex education as youth when it comes to understanding the physiology of, and diverse options for, pleasure. A single or couple can kick-start their erotic life best by getting interested in what else is out there that they haven’t tried.”
“This can mean playing with sex toys; roleplaying; exploring exhibitionism and erotic talk; sampling BDSM practices like bondage or spanking; adding Tantric elements to your sex life; adding extra or simultaneous contact with other erogenous zones. This is what sex therapists call ‘blending,’ and it adds to the arousal because more of your neurology gets engaged,” Queen explained.
Using these techniques to increase sexual excitement, and enhance the act of sex, are key to having a stimulating sexual experience with your partner.
And remember, having fun is what it's all about. Don't worry about getting all the details right. Just enjoy the intimacy with your partner and appreciate the time you have together, and fun will naturally happen.