How to Tell if He Has a Secret Addiction
Is he hiding things from you?
Has everything been going great in your relationship, but suddenly things have changed, seemingly overnight? Sometimes an addiction is to blame. If you fear that your partner might be hiding something, it could be an addiction, whether to alcohol, drugs, sex, porn, overeating, gaming or gambling.
People go to great lengths to hid their addictions, and denial is a symptom, so just asking them if something is wrong won't do the trick.
Fortunately, there are ways to find out if there is a problem, and help them find help before it’s too late.
Signs of addiction
There are signs that point to a possible addiction, according to Dr. Srinivasan Pillay, M.D., CEO of NeuroBusiness Group:
- Changes in availability: If there are unexplained changes in your spouses availability, you may wonder how this time is being occupied. An addiction, often, secretive and shaming, may be the reason.
- Changes in mood and low frustration tolerance: Often, people become irritable or unnecessarily angry (outside of their usual patterns) when questioned about anything if they are harboring a secret that creates anxiety in them.
- Escalating anxiety can also indicate withdrawal for the addictive substance or behavior.
- Gut feelings: Should never be ignored. Rather then accuse, discuss. If you are right, you may hit the spot and allow for some discussion. If you are wrong, you can face your own paranoia.
Online addiction
Tina Tessina, Ph.D., psychotherapist and author of Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage, said she works with clients dealing with all types of addiction. “In my counseling practice, the biggest pitfall is spending way too much time on the web, followed by video games, internet porn, sex or affairs. The pseudo anonymity of the web makes it tempting to take risks, or to establish a false persona; both can be devastating to relationships. Keep in mind, if it's on the web, false screen name or not, it's findable.”
If you suspect your boyfriend or husband has an addiction to something online, then you might be right. “If your man spends way too much time online, it may not be work, it may be gaming or even a cyber-affair. Even if he says he's playing an Internet game, he may be developing feelings for one of the other gamers. Or, he may be too involved in porn sites,” she said.
“Your partner is struggling with compulsive behavior - either sexual compulsion to keep having affairs, spending money on porn - or other compulsive behaviors such as gambling, drugs, alcohol or losing money on the stock market. If you've caught your spouse out of bounds before, and he keeps repeating the behavior, it's an addiction that's out of control. If your spouse won't get proper treatment, or treatment hasn't worked, leaving the relationship may be your only choice. Paradoxically, leaving an addicted spouse is often the only thing that breaks through the denial,” Tessina said.
Sex addiction
When your sexual behavior, be it masturbation, infidelity, online porn, or incessant one-night stands, means you neglect or have problems with your family, your social life, your work, your health, you are likely to be addicted. If you feel out of control and driven by your need for sexual satisfaction, you are addicted, Tessina said.
She explained that the difference between healthy sex vs. addiction is that healthy sex can be controlled. If sex is unavailable, it is disappointing but not devastating. In addiction, the addict feels desperate to have sexual outlet, no matter the cost.
“If you suspect your partner is addicted to sex, then find a 12-step program that fits his particular addiction—if it's sex, go to sexualaddictssanonymous.org. Or, if you can't find a local program that's specific, go to Adult Children of Alcoholics www.aca.org. It gives a lot of help, usually just for the price of a small donation, about the addictions that ACAs can be subject to, including sex,” Tessina said.
Therapy, in conjunction with a 12-step program, can be very helpful, not only in overcoming a sexual addiction, but also in healing the underlying motivators, the relationships that have been damaged, and even success at work, she said.
Serial addicts
Addictions, because they are usually based on masking emotional pain, can be serial. An alcoholic who goes to AA and gets sober, may develop a drug, internet, eating, shopping, sex or gambling addiction, because underlying issues have not been resolved, Tessina said.
Do’s and Don’ts
Tessina shared her do’s and don’ts if you suspect your partner has an addiction:
DO: Invite him to spend time with you
DON'T: Nag, cajole, lecture or whine
DO: Get involved in his cyber gaming to keep an eye on it, but limit your
involvement.
DON'T: Panic, stay calm. Upset will just push him further away.
DO: Learn to check his computer history without his knowledge. It's sneaky, but it may be the only way to find out what's going on.
DON'T: Beg him for attention—it will put him off.
DO: Clearly and calmly state what's not working for you in the relationship, and invite him to tell you what's not working for him.
DON'T: tell a lot of other people what you find. Confide in a trustworthy friend, or get a therapist. Gossip won't help.
DO: Ask him to negotiate about time spent on the computer.
DON'T: Make angry demands.
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