Ask Drew: 3 Things to Avoid in the Bedroom
I originally planned on writing this as a “Do's and Don'ts in The Bedroom,” but everything that popped into my head as a “do” was either taboo or there was no way to explain it in even remotely appropriate manner. And even lots of the “don'ts” were a no-go since those things are more of a personal preference. Hey, I don't have a furry fetish, but if dressing up like a kitten and being bent over the litter box gets you through the week, more power to ya.
So as a general rule of thumb, here are three things to definitely avoid.
Foreplay Is For You
I'll try to keep this as PG-rated as possible. You know all those women's magazines you read that miraculously have 100 new sex moves every issue? Don't bother trying any of them with your boyfriend. They're all nonsense. "He'll go wild if you bite his earlobe with an ice cube in your mouth while you grind your knee between his legs!" Bleh. We don't operate like you. We're not ovens: We don't need to be preheated. It's profoundly annoying (and oftentimes unsexy) to watch a girl slowly kiss your neck ... then your collarbone ... then your chest ... then stomach. Nobody likes sitting through previews before the movie. Just get to the show. "But I'm teasing you! *giggle*" Oh really? Well that's not very nice. Teasing wasn't fun on the playground 20 years ago, and it certainly isn't fun when my pants are around my ankles either. Look, when it's your turn, we'll fumble our way through that sexual Rubik's Cube you call foreplay, but it's completely unnecessary with us.
Don't Fake It
I swear, some of you pretend you're about to get an Oscar nomination but have taken fewer acting classes than Adrian Grenier. We can tell when you're faking. Most of you aren't that convincing. And even if you are pulling off an award-winning performance, we still know what we're capable of, and it's not the Herculean feats you're shouting loud enough for our neighbors to hear.... On second thought, fake it. The girl that lives above me is pretty hot. I'd love to disappoint her in person someday.
Don't Leave Marks
Yeah, it's kind of funny looking (like I took a 9-iron to my neck) when you think your mouth is a Dyson vacuum, but the reality is that I run into other people besides my idiot friends. I don't care if they see me with a bunch of scratches all over my body, but it's a little awkward when you're asked to leave an orientation weekend for prospective college students because the Dean of Communications suggests "maybe you want to put some make-up on your bruise there." On the plus side, I didn't want to be there in the first place on a Saturday.
Drew is a single guy living in Los Angeles. When he's not bar-hopping with a friend's golden retriever to convince women he has a soft side, he's taking them on short-lived dates. His fickle dating habits and "perspective" almost guarantee he'll die alone. All opinions are his own. Got a question for Drew? Ask away... firstname.lastname@example.org