Lady LUX

Valentine’s Day was yesterday, and I remember spending the morning like every other: scrolling through Facebook on my phone, trying to pretend that my dog isn’t begging to go out. Yesterday morning though, Facebook might as well have been a reality show called “Who Has the Best Boyfriend” as every love-struck girl in my newsfeed was uploading pictures of dying flowers and empty calories, trying to one-up their friends on who’s having a better day. Still, a part of me wished the thing next to me in bed was a nice girl I could bring home to my mother, instead of a one hundred pound golden retriever with gas. Then I poured some vodka in grapefruit juice, grabbed some doggy bags for my walk, and forgot all about it.

But let’s say you’re a single girl and your Valentine’s Day was terrible. And it was. You can’t fool us with your status update, “Spending this day with the one I love the most: myself! #girlpower.” That’s not empowering, it’s a Scarlett Letter. Quit acting like Hester Prynne and let’s try to find you a nice boy to buy you stuff with hearts on it for next year, okay?

Most first dates are pretty vanilla. You’re only trying to establish a few things. 1) Is this guy attractive now that I’m sober and it isn’t last call? 2) How does this guy carry himself? Is he fumbling over his words or does he seem confident? Let’s assume this guy isn’t the result of one tequila shot too many and you’re meeting him out at a bar early in the evening for a drink or two. Truth be told, it’s kind of on him to take the reins right away with the conversation. If you’re into the guy and want to keep his attention, here are a few things you can do.

We Don’t Care What You Wear
That first date isn’t as important as women like to make it seem. I’ve had girls ask me advice on what to wear before they meet a guy they like for a first date. That always makes me laugh because they’re asking fashion advice from a guy sitting in athletic shorts and a stained t-shirt. That being said, as long as you don’t resemble us in any way, shape or form, you’re fine. I still don’t completely understand the difference between heels and boots, so as long as it makes you feel good about yourself, go with it. Remember: men are morons when it comes to dressing. We’ll look you up and down like the apes we are and immediately give you a mental “pass” or “fail.” Unless you’re wrapped in a shower curtain, it’s good enough for us. And even that might be okay. I’d still buy her a drink.

“Um, My Eyes Are Up Here” (Put Your Phone Away)
Put your phone away. Most girls are actually pretty good about this rule, but a few are so addicted to Instagram that they need to have an intervention. “But what if the guy sucks and the girl is bored?” Then tell him you’re not interested and save him an hour and $20. Also: we don’t care about the pictures on your iPhone. Sorry, but showing us your pictures of your friends “getting cray” or your sister’s baby playing with a cat should be considered torture under the Geneva Conventions.

Don’t Scare Him Off
Unless it’s a funny story, we don’t need to hear about your previous relationships. And the only way it’s going to end up being a funny story is if you end it with, “And then I saw you and figured it was time to move on from him. By the way, do you have any condoms at your place?” The same is true for talk of marriage and children. The second you start talking about how you’d like kids some day, I can’t Google “local vasectomy” quick enough.

You Know What They Say When You Assume…
If things are going exceptionally well and you two are really hitting it off, let it be. You don’t need to start throwing out parameters for how the night will end. I’ve been on numerous dates that have ended up at some cozy little after hours bar, the two of us intertwined together like some sexual pretzel, only to have the girl crash back into reality and blurt out, “You know, I’m not sleeping with you tonight.” Let’s assume for a minute that you mean that. Why say that? That’s just rude. If there’s really a connection between the two of you, why not tell him how much fun you’re having with him? Maybe the guy is just genuinely enjoying himself and your company. Now who looks like the presumptuous one? (I, on the other hand, realize that you wouldn’t have mentioned that in the first place if you weren’t at least considering it. But that’s a different topic altogether.)

“Where Are All The Feminists When The Check Comes?”
When things are wrapping up, you really don’t need to offer to pay. It’s nice and all, but let’s call a spade a spade. If we go Dutch on the bill, there’s very little chance we’ll be seeing each other again and certainly no chance for sex until you see a pay stub and two forms of ID. Just a simple thank you is enough.

“So, Can I Call You?”
If you’d like to see him again, be a little flirty. “But then I’ll feel like a whore!” No you won’t. I’m not saying to smack him on the ass and nibble on his ear when you say goodbye, but a little squeeze on the back of the arm or a little “tee-hee” look really can’t hurt. It’s like dangling a carrot in front of a mule. It gives us a little incentive to step up our game next time. Trust me, I never take a girl back to Hooters on a second date.

I can’t craft a conversation for you, obviously. That’s something that has to happen organically. But those are just a few things to keep in mind. With any luck, in one year following that date, the two of you will be having a fight because he forgot about it. To you, that night was the beginning of something special, but to him it’s just an arbitrary day on a calendar that he has to remember to swing by Rite Aid on the drive home and buy a bag of chocolate that, in a few hours time, you’ll yell at him, “Take these away from me! I don’t need anymore, seriously!”

Drew is a single guy living in Los Angeles. When he's not bar-hopping with a friend's golden retriever to convince women he has a soft side, he's taking them on short-lived dates. His fickle dating habits and “perspective” almost guarantee he'll die alone. All opinions are his own. Got a question for Drew? Ask away… Askdrew@ladylux.com

Tagged in: advice, dating, relationships, ask drew, valentine's day,

Lifestyle / Relationships