Lady LUX

It’s the age old question – do opposites attract? When dating, is it better to look for someone exactly like yourself, or opt for someone with different interests and experiences?

It depends. Dating experts agree that while opposites definitely attract, there are other qualities to look for to ensure a relationship has staying power.

“Opposites attract, but core beliefs gel. This doesn't just mean the big things like religion or politics, but smaller things like whether you care if your home is clean, how much you want to travel, if you like working long hours and making a lot of money, if you like to cook, even if you're creative or not,” said Julie Melillo, a dating coach in New York, N.Y.

“You want a person who shares your core values and beliefs about what is important in life,” Melillo said. “So long as a person shares your general outlook, differences in the way you think or structure your life can be very complimentary. The key here is you want both people to value what the other brings to the relationship.”

For instance, if one person is an introvert, and the other an extrovert, that can work well as long as both people value a social life. They can compromise to determine how much socializing they will do at home with small, intimate groups, and how often they will go out to parties.

“Imagine a quieter person, who loves socializing but is merely a bit shy. This person may be thrilled to be dragged to a party, because they get to socialize without feeling as shy and awkward. This can also be great for the more outgoing person, who may find their partner encouraging them to try quieter things like movies or books, which could open up an interested new world. It can be refreshing to get out of your comfort zone, so long as you value what your partner does, and vice versa,” Melillo said.

“The more areas where you're good at and enjoy doing something your partner values, but doesn't like doing or isn't good at, the better. And vice versa,” Melillo said.

Susan Trombetti, CEO of Exclusive Matchmaking, said that opposites do attract, but not as often as people think. And when it happens, it’s because there is a balance that occurs in the personality traits between the two.

“Mostly, I find that what appears to be a couple that are extreme opposites is just a couple that have a few obvious differences to people on the outside and most just regard them as extreme opposites. What really is going on though is more of a compatibility regarding morals, values, goals in life, and child rearing ideas making them way more compatible and alike than what you initially see,” Trombetti said. “Just because one person is shy, and one is outgoing doesn’t make them polar opposites. It’s the net value or sum of traits of a person that should be compared.”

Lori Bizzoco, founder of CupidsPulse.com, said “It's easy to be attracted to someone who's different from you, as they can bring qualities to your life that you may lack yourself. For instance, if you're a shy wallflower who has trouble meeting new people, it's nice to have a partner who can talk to a brick wall and make a stranger seem like a close friend. It's only natural to gravitate towards someone who represents that missing piece for you. Remember, though, that you cannot adopt those qualities that you admire in your significant other simply by being with them.”

To create a strong foundation for a relationship, those core values do need to be the same, but having different interests can be exciting.

“Opposing interests can help you grow. Conversely, if your interests do not vary so harshly, you may actually help push each other. Maybe you can learn to enjoy watching his favorite sports team, while he can enjoy your love of interior design,” said Stefanie Safran, founder of Chicago matchmaking firm Stef and the City.

“There has to be some similarities. Relationships won't get very far if you have nothing in common. Good relationships are built on shared values and perspectives on life, so you need to have some common ground in order to stay together.”

As David Simonsen, Ph.D., a psychologist and marriage and family therapist said, “Opposites attracting is not a myth. It usually is the thing that brings people together initially. What I have found is that these opposite qualities while seemingly a nice thing in the beginning often is the cause of breakups in the end. It is easiest seen in women who are attracted to ‘bad boys.’ The ‘good girls’ think they have the magic to change him.”

In the end, opposites do attract, but in order to stay together, core values need to be similar, since successful relationships are built on mutual respect and at least some shared interests.

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