Ask Drew: Does He Want to be My Boyfriend?
Q: Dear Drew,
I have been dating a guy for about a month, and it seems to be going well. We see each other a couple of times a week, and this weekend he introduced me to all of his friends and we spent most of the weekend together. At this stage, I will call it the 10 date mark. How do you figure out if a guy wants to be in a relationship with you and stop seeing other people? I don't want to bring it up and scare him away, but I would also like to know if all he is looking for is a girl to hang out with on Saturday night and have sex with a couple of times a week. Basically, is there a way to find out the answer to the question, "Do you want to be my boyfriend?" without having to actually ask him explicitly?
A: First and foremost, you're right: It's not smart to have "the talk" with guys. That scares the living bejesus out of us because we know what follows. We're past that exploratory, stress-free portion of the relationship where it's still acceptable for us to go out with our buddies for the night and not have to check in. Guys know once we have that discussion, we're then "the boyfriend." All the perks we've been enjoying (sex) won't necessarily be expanded upon, but our list of responsibilities just grew exponentially. Plus it's explicitly written in the social contract that any contact with other women from that point forward is considered cheating. If we're on the fence about anything, nothing good can come from that talk.
You're worried he's only looking for a girl to have sex with a couple of times a week and get together with on the weekends? Since I'd imagine the "sex during the week" entails much more than him crawling in your window like a high school sophomore, that sounds like a pretty good relationship around the 10 date mark. I don't think the issue here is that he isn't making himself available for your time. You're going on dates, seeing each other on weekends, and sleeping together a few times a week. If I may, I think the issue here is that he isn't making himself available emotionally as much as you'd like.
Labels such as "relationship" and "boyfriend" are way more important to women than they are to men. If things were progressing the way you'd like, you wouldn't be questioning these things. Of the few "serious" relationships I've had, I eventually just started introducing the girl as my girlfriend without ever giving it too much thought. It was just assumed we were together because I did things like that that showed we were exclusive.
If you really want a concrete answer, though, call his bluff. Next time you're out to dinner, somehow let it slip that you've been out with another guy recently. (Message me your number and we'll set something up.) When he finds out you've been playing the field, chances are good he won't be pleased. That's your cue to curl your hair into little pigtails and giggle, "Well, I didn't know we were boyfriend and girlfriend!" If he says he'd like to be, assure him the date wasn't a big deal, and you'd love to be his girlfriend. If he says otherwise, say you're tired from the previous night because "that guy tossed me around like a beach ball at Coachella." Finish your drink and excuse yourself from the table without paying.
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Drew is a single guy living in Los Angeles. When he's not bar-hopping with a friend's golden retriever to convince women he has a soft side, he's taking them on short-lived dates. His fickle dating habits and "perspective" almost guarantee he'll die alone. All opinions are his own. Got a question for Drew? Ask away... firstname.lastname@example.org